The end of the affair

For the first time in my existence I am without a daily serial, nothing on wireless, television or the world wide web. Poor, feckless Bel.

I stopped watching Neighbours a while ago. It had become so dull without the Timmins family, there was not enough carry-on with Lou and Harold and too much of: ruddy Carmella and her tedious nervy b's, Paul being "he's- a-good-boy-now" and that vile Jane Hall. It had lost its high campery and mental melodrama. I guess they are saving their best storylines for Pantos in Blighty. Recently I was told that Neighbours had improved but when I attempted to watch some of it before the 7 o'clock news my interest was not piqued. Well apart from seeing Paul attempt to rekindle romance with the character played by Jane Hall;he pretended to fall over and hurt himself. That was sheer Actoring master class with Stefan Dennis.

Despite that one glorious moment, it could be all over between Neighbs and me. Actually it could also be the end of Neighbours; ratings are bad.

Despite the lack of daily serial, there are programs that I watch and listen to on a weekly basis. My favourites are generally panelish shows where people humorously and dismissively opine and compete, such as Top Gear and the Insiders. Top Gear initially drew me in as it looked like Top of the Pops for cars - the sight of those presenters standing beside a car, raving and joking while surrounded by a studio audience was very appealing. Am not sure about Australian series, could be like Torque but I will be in the market for a motor (plus i always watched Countdown). I rather enjoyed watching Never Mind the Buzzocks on You Tube for a while. Some episodes from last year and the year before that were entertaining. And I'm partial to that news quiz on radio 4 (?). That can be very funny unlike the Australian Good News Week.

I cannot believe that show is on television again!! Why do stations keep giving Paul McDermott air time to recycle shows from his “heyday”. What does he have on them? And why do they allow him to sing the shows' signature tunes? And how could he do that? I guess he hasn’t twigged to the parallels between him and the Little Britain Dennis Waterman skit. Dennis has a much better voice anyway, and he was tops in the Sweeney, well I like him in everything from Up the Junction to New Tricks, well sort of. Did Rula get him a spot on the Rock Follies? That would have been some showstopping tune. Unfortunately I have never seen Waterman's portrayal of William Brown.

There is a hastiness of cooks on the television but I haven’t really been into those programs, there will only ever be one King’s Kitchen after all. Admittedly the 21st century cookery show is a whole new genre. I generally prefer reading cookery books and recipes. However, I quite like watching the cook and the chef. Maggie Beer’s manner reminds me a bit of that woman Megan who sang for the Fifth Corruption (not the fifth column that’s what the Duke of Edinburgh called Lady Di). Oh and Flight of the Conchords makes me laugh aloud oh and I ….

Set me free

On Tuesday I was treated to a night at the theatre - opening of Altarboyz.

JQ got tickets and, being a notorious sponge, I was invited. Musical had been described to us as a comedy so we assumed it was going to be a biting satire about boy bands and religious fervour. We sat there listening to the lyrics, waiting to squeal with mirth. There were people in the left stalls, laughing, must have been relatives, or perhaps it was too sophisticated for me. The lyrics were terrible, not really borne of any great theological knowledge (you know like Nick the Prick’s prose) just a mixture of Good News and sap. The parody was so feeble that the lyrics seemed to be promoting the faith.

Comedy consisted of the boy band members, a Jew (too funeee), a Hispanic, who seemed to be playing Fez from that 70's show, a closeted homosexual, a homeboy (Oh like I’d know... is that term still au courant? no doubt as ac as ac...) and some Doogie Howser type 'cept he wasn't a genius young docteur just looked like him, frequently grabbing their crotches, which is of course as heeeeeeeelarious as cancer, yours J. Blank, saying y'all and doing something else, um, recounting how they came to be together and …?

It was truly appalling.

Then there was a song sung by the camp altar boy and it was implied that his solo was to be a confession of his homosexuality but no it was a clever parody, and he announced that he was Catholic. The audience proudly cheered, some standing up and waving their arms and clapping. It all seemed strangely and sincerely evangelical. It gave us the creeps. We left and went to the bar.

I have since been told that the musical could be performed for the Pope when he comes to Sydney. That can't be true or have I been caught up in World Youth Day propaganda? Divine justice has struck. Gordon Benedict and jeepin' Jensens.

cinematic insight # 25

Last night I watched the first disc of Warren Beatty’s Reds. I’m enjoying it, particularly the eyewitness accounts by Dora Russell and Rebecca West, and Henry Miller. Really great. I’d like to watch an entire interview with Dora Russell and Rebecca West – such interesting, forthright and entertaining personalities.

Anyway while I’m really appreciating the film, rather engaged with a pretty amazing story, I keep getting sidetracked by Warren Beatty, there’s something about his face, or should that be his character's face, that reminds me of Jerry Seinfeld.

It's Queenie's long weekend

Hooray!

No bungers, Tom Thumbs or Catherine Wheels in NSW but i can cope; i guess i could get some sparklers (goodness a few indywindy bands named themselves after firecrackers - ooh crackle and pop!)

Firecrackers were always a bit too terrifying really, so full of ire, and almost as worrying as the possibility of being blinded by that annular solar eclipse in 1971.

There has been rain in Sydney and along the NSW north coast for a total of 5 days and 5 nights!!This has caused reporter types to bleat about the very long spell of bad weather in poor old Syd. Oh get with the strength! They earnestly drone about the much needed rain then cluck about the farmers but as soon as there is a mammoth downpour that lasts FIVE DAYS there's grumbling and grief during the wireless and television weather forecasts.

This Queenie's I have loads of activities in store, have gumboots and puddles will rage, and visitors a- plenty. What more could you want? A republic... with Quentin "Lovey Howell" Bryce as President ...?

Happy Queenie's to you!

Marty, Mick and me

Oh nsrs, have you seen that Shine a Light? I have not. I don't really want to but I guess i will. Surely, tt'd be less of a wank and more divertin' than one plus one - one great band on the threshold of superbrilliance (no Mick Taylor yet) and one Frenchie over analysing and boring us boeuf big-time.

The French and rocknroll, somebody please keep'em apart.

But, permission to rant, suh, what i really want to say is:

Why when talking about Marty and the Stones, does everyone, well Mickey J, go on about Marty using Gimme Shelter in his fillums. I didn't think it was that common on a Scorsese soundtrack (oh sorry for that interjection from foot not dissimilar from bottom corner...)

Marty's best use of stonesy music was in Mean Streets, which is of course a top little fillum. I loved it so much i tried to spread the word as i do with most things i 'm keen on.

So one year i got a friend a copy, direct from the Amazon, for her birthday. Unfortunately she was sent a dud. And when i found out, it was too late for me to sort it for she was too polite to tell me, Shane did. I guess Shane broke it; shredding the tape with his gnashers in some drunken crazed out jiggy moment at an anarchic punkywunky new wave retrospective atop some oh&s nightmare of a rooftop bar in Mel Bourne

Yeah Mean Streets is tops. i was stoked from the moment Charlie (? played by Harvey Keitel) enters this smokey dank bar and tell me is playin'. Then when crazy Mickey(? -it's been a while since i seen it, oh JOhnny Boy, thanks Shanks played by Bobby de N) arrives, jukebox plays jumpin' jack flash.

Thus providing like a total insight to the characters of the key protaganists....Ooh yeah mind-blowingly deep as Tim and Debbie would say (can you believe there are still people who talk like that?! Hi Astrid. Of course you can, they host programs on RRR and JJJ and are now infiltrating RN, and pop goes the weasel you're listening to newsradio of a morning to avoid right-on central).

Oh like i'd know anything about music and fillum. Those two songs were chosen just because Marty loved 'em. (Marty released a great Stones compilation lp called Just because, Marty; lp has copious liner notes).

I love tell me. It might have been a bigger hit in the States than in the UK - perhaps it was on that US December's Children. It might also be on high tide green grass. I encountered it in God's Own of course, 12 years later.

It was on this Decca compilation that was heavily advertised on the television one summer when i was in primary school. The lp was called Stones. Its cover featured a black and white photo of a prancing barechested Mick with his pout coloured crimson. It was a pretty good compilation and introduction to 60's stones for an Orstralian tween, yours David Dalton.

It was a really long summer and i spent most of it waiting to be invited to swim at the neighbours' pool or watching mother riley films on the television after being banned from the neighbours' pool for being too noisy - Oh my life's been spent in Coventry....

In the evening I did impressions of mother riley and others from my extensive repertoire, as part of variety hour, well just younger sister and I performing - oh such simple times. On the evenings I no longer had a willing audience, i'd chuck a spaz (not really, well occasionally, oh a couple of times per week) and then go and listen to that Stonesy LP, which had been finally bought after seeing all the ads in between mother riley and mac and myer. I endured mockery of stones by considerably older new waver of a sorella. I am still younger.

Languid,louche and filled with inertia?

NSW - The Parlous State

I’ve lost the keys to my letterbox and been quoted a sizeable sum to have them cut from the lock. Surely the federal government can do something about reducing the cost of key cutting; it controls housing prices, interest rates and the cost of petrol . People shuldnthaffta pay so much to access their mail. Snot fair. You’ve got to do something about it Kruddy, goddamit.

OH speaking of sanctimonious drawers, god not krudd (in this instance), its earthly representative, well the one after god's son so selflessly sacrificed himself to enable the wannabeeffluent to whinge eternal, is coming to Sydney.

Oh yes it’s World Pope Day in Sydney this July - proudly supported by the NSW Government.

Gordon Benedict.

The Parlous State’s government is issuing media releases advising workers in the ceebeedee or near any of the other areas where his holiness goes during that period to take leave. This was its solution for the Olympics, APEC, the beautiful big love boats docking in the Harbour, and now World Youth Day. NSW the state where planning is world-arse.

How much room does a popemobile require?

They’ll need the workers out and about frankly. How much pulling power does Pope Benedict have? Do the Catholic youth of today have something to say apart from pass the Eucharist on the left hand side. Perhaps the Catholic Church will borrow some young Crusader groovers from Hillsong? Padres and bonnes soeurs are currently scouting Gloria Jean’s for some additional pilgrims.

Oh I mustn’t be so negative. Each to her/his own beliefs and freedom to worship and whatnot. To have religious faith must be extraordinary and the new testament is a top read, yours Pollyanna. It's the government's city lockout solution that gets my goat. Surely the whole thing could have been staged at Olympic Park.

World Pope Day will be a gala week with the stations of the cross scattered about the city and Randwick, there'll be that spunky young man playing Jesus (Yes, Trevor White's grandson), a Saint’s corpse being paraded, and text messages from Pope Benedict to all World Youth Day pilgrims - HILSR (He is like so risen), HCB (hot cross buns), UFM (you flay me).

So really it’s all utterly moderne and progressive; could never be likened to some medieval pageant.

Thank goodness for the separation of Church and state.

Now if we could just separate the Vice Squad from the Yartz.

Oh the furore and scandale surrounding those photos of adolescents. It's the moral outrage expressed by state and fed pollies, media columnists and certain activists that has been revolting. What an utter downer, well more of a Howard actually but no, it was a Krudd.

This is the dawning of the age of Victoria , the age of Victoria…

OK yah

Oh hello there pet and lambs and members of Generations Jones, X, Whine and Zzzz. I hope you are well. I am having a bit of a May's almost over posting in cyberspace frenzy - two posts in 20 minutes you wouldn't credit it.

Johnson lent me Tina Brown’s the Diana Chronicles. It’s a top read about all them hons and vons.

At the mo Charles and D are still married, and, in between Deeeahna hurling (down the honker or herself down the stairs - yeah that’s a direct quote from Princess Michael of Kent to moi, confidente de luxe to SS offspring, me), Di’s suffering the interminable August hols at Sandringham with not much stoicism, some nights feature Princess Margaret entertaining the fam playing show tunes on the piahno until 2 a.m. - The thought of ma’am darling on the ivories singing songs from Camelot and High Society entertains me no end but i guess it'd be particularly rum and stuffy if you were teetotal and only into Dire Straits or Wham! - Di's childhood was indeed deprived; if only there had been Bill Collins' Golden Years of Hollywood in Blighty she and Margo would have fit like hand and glove; or annoying all the fam by usurping their limelight and being adored by press and plebs globally.

I’ve also learnt that Pris Cholls likes to be called Arthur (his second middle name) at the height of sessuale satisfaction. However what I found curious about this was how the request would be conveyed to the lover, via equerry or the Prince?

When I told one of my friends (I have several, no truly, ohwuh I do so, get) that i was reading the book, she confessed to having a soft spot for Lady Di for alleged friend was in London at the time of engagement and the same age as the Liedee. Well not any more sweetheart, you’re older than she’ll ever be, as am I. In fact said friend was born the day before Lady Di. And the spooky similarities well they just never began from there.

I mean to say, how many people do you know enter potato sack races willy nilly, well apart from the family Brady.

Music is my life my life is music

Why you know that ain’t the truth, sugar but I tell you what the past week and a half my dreams have featured music blaring. Big time.

Most mornings I’ve been waking with Psmith’s Rocknroll nigger in my head, and can you spare a thought for the disturbance felt when I just woke up with the so-called Babelogue (oh brother that's some kool term) of said song going round and round my poor old noggin.

Then last night I had this dream which was meant to be set in friends’ house in Mel but their house had turned into this extraordinary Laurel Canyon mansion complete with sweeping driveway, conversation pits, sandstone fireplaces and decoratively balustraded staircase, no I was not sliding down its banisters and honking horns Harpo Marx style that was the week before.

It was a swinging party, almost as good as the real one I went to last week, alas sans vision in pink tutu, frou frou and grey tights but that's for another post. Oh and everyone I didn’t know was at dream party. Unfortunately no Warren Beatty but there was Jamie C begging to put his hand in people’s pockets.

Anyway, that dream featured two songs blaring: Brand new Key and ruddy Congratulations (boom boom boom) and has left me somewhat distrait.

Things that matter #2020

Don't panic, Jonesy, am not about to launch into another twenny twenny summit monodrone. No, am instead going to treat you and nsrs 1 and 2 to thoughts that have been revolving, like a fancy rest-o-ront, in my brain for the past five days- a thought a day keeps intellectual rigour away.

On Monday Wayne Swan was sounding like a cranky primary school deputy principal at assembly. Yes, Malcolm Turnbull is smug, smart and very self-assured, and to put it mildly, annoying but Wayne get a grip. I am expecting WS to don shorts, long socks, slick back his hair and call MT a rude article then bark at him to leave the line and go to the Office - or is that just a flashback to April 1975 - oh the living and loving and learning that was my primary hedgucation - Brian Cadd how did you know.

Ant Music. Since Tuesday night when strolling back from King Street wharf after a delicious dinner and fun evening out I've had that dicky song on my brain. Not because i was dining with Marco or Garry Tibbs but because while walking back to St James, kept hearing pedestrians tip tapping across the streets' metal manhole covers, thus replicating the intro to Ant Music. By the by, Fool's Gold has a similar beginning to Ant Music, well vaguely similar it features metallic sounding percussion but is a lot shorter...Nevertheless the mind's soundtrack has been alternating between Ant Music and Fool's Gold.

New womantic one day; mad aceeed smiley raver the next. Rollercoaster of milestones in pop music this week, nsrs.

Working family. Cockadoodleboohoo. There's no-one out there doing it tougher, is it a crime to aspirate... Get your working fam on board bumper stickers from NSR now. They're tastefully designed; the slogan is flanked by a delightful Anne Geddes portrait of byebee in flower pot and a McMansion in the background.

As for the now. Like i would know but am surprised by the 2 glasses of booze per day cancer link - surely peanut butter is more harmful?

Oh dear this post is beginning to sound bileous and ridiculous I must be channelling Lexie Downer. Oh my. I'm sure your French is sensational, pet, just not that pratique in Asia.

Have a good weekend, nsrs. I will for I'm exploring the harbour foreshore where gold ingots and fountains of ginger pop abound.

More bang for your buck

I must say, nsrs, that when I heard PM K make the above pronouncement about some policy, can’t remember what - for it’s always the superficial that resonates with me, I was somewhat surprised. No sooner had my inner Victorian returned to her lovely cameo locket or was it the handsome gold watch chain around my neck, did my delicate ear hear the expression again at a rather important meeting, admittedly not a bang on of 2020 summit proportions, nevertheless a significant one in the belosphere. I did pull a wee face and at the next meeting person said "value for money." Oh rrresult . Now for a seamless segue into the 2020 summit...oh can't find one so (carriage return please Blogger.Com)

2020 Summit

Twenty 20 Cricket

20/20 vision

2020 Mascot NSW

Oh where will it end……..

I watched the final summaries of the big ideas from the different groups at the 2020 Summit -the big bang on for no bucks (oh there you are segue, now if i could just cut and paste you , uh - no am too unco). How chaotic the Summit must have been. The presentation of big ideas from some streams was very smug (i'll be jiggered) and rather annoying (jig jig), and the content, predominantly motherhood statements and nothing new, most certainly didn’t warrant such gloating. However, the big ideas from other streams were at times encouraging and it would be grand if they could somehow be implemented. I don't think they could have been as vague as what i just wrote surely...

Oh well you’ve got to throw the stone to get the pool to ripple as The Squeeze once sang.

See you at The Summit ... OH everyone was there, well not Andrew Bolt and he certainly was swilling the old Vinegar Bay on the Insiders; compared the forum to a cabaret show, I thought the bit with Rhys Muldoon and Hugh Jackman was more Midday show, and vented about the PM’s ingratiatin’ ways with celebrities.

The twenny twenny camera operators were frenzied, panning in on the faces of celebs, pollies, media and community identities. I imagined A. Bolt in a state of high apoplexy when the cameras honed in on the current Media It Girl (Emma Tom's successor? – still I doubt Marieke Hardy would ever write a bio on Mary Donaldson and call it Something about Mary) seated next to the drummer from Spiderbait (no surprise for last week's GoodWeekend did describe It Girl as “having a weakness for musicians” - possibly a more irritating phrase than more bang for your buck owing to its simpering i'm a chockywockyholic quality).

Following “the streams” feedback, Kevin Rudd got a standing ovation, or was that meant for Cate Kidman and the new bairn.

Greetings from Costa del Crotchety

Dental mental

The enamel on my teeth is wearing thin, not as thin as my patience, but nevertheless thin and I have another wisdom tooth growing where one had been previously removed.

But it doesn’t matter for I love teeth, all teeth. The white, the gold and the yella, the stained, old deadie with the wiggly brown line, the snaky milk ones, the malty, the rotten, the bucked, the inward, the straight, the crooked, the chipped, the broken, the gappy, the Miss American Beauty gnashers and let’s not forget a sweet set of master baked beans.

I often gaze at other people's teeth.

Not because I judge a being by her/his dentalia or that they give insight into owner’s psyche (I know people after all) but just because

love is... teeth?
Had to increase NSR's cute factor.

Keef claims that after all the smack'n'jack had rotten his teith they grew a third time.

A brother and sister I know, not Donny and Marie nor Brandon and Brenda, have decay-resistant teeth that are brilliantly white.

The majority of Generation Whine and Zzzz are/will be super dental specimens with jawlines like US daytime soap stars.

When a relative got dentures she requested that they be bucked as she’d always wanted them so. She was so worth it.

I don’t have dreams about teeth falling out because when I suffer from anxiety I panickedly imagine my underpants have fallen down or dream of lost children crying for their mothers, for yes, I am Peter Pan.

Navsatsnthat

Well you know those Sat Navs i was telling you about yesterday, the ones where Michael Caine's voice has been skinned to give directions, well, i think you can only get them in the UK. They cost about 300 pounds, sorry, pound, and instead of Sylvania, you could end up in Cricklewood or Streatham.

Why is it that people, sorry, persons, everywhere, in Erinsborough, at the bureau, in the cafe, and no doubt, right now, in some ridiculously overpriced share accom. hse an HM, who claims to have a good sense of humour and love comedy - yes, Brian the autodidact, ask/say

"Do you want a tea?"

Excuse me, nsrs

"No, I don't want a fucking tea, Brian but I would love a cup of tea, a cuppa, perhaps even a pot of tea or a potta, if you don't mind. Ta muchly and thanking you!"

Lord love a duck because he's never going to love Brian.

Curiously a tea is more palatable if it's profferred with a nice sandwich.

Have a good one (god knows what but please let it be good )

Yours

Snooter Pooter

Did you know

That you can purchase a satellite navigation thingy , sorry, Sat Nav, with Michael Caine’s voice providing the directions. Well you do now, so do yourself a favour.

Michael Caine is a big fan of Chill music and last year impressed Elton John with his knowledge of the genre. If you want to know more information like that and about his 2006 cruise on the Amalfi Coast, go here

Puff of smoke

Skeeter, Andrew Harwood and now Smoky Dawson.

So many of one's babysitting buddies from the formative years of telly viewing are departing this life.

Farewell and thank you stars of that black and white television set, against whose corners i twice cracked open my forehead, and from which I watched some glorious shows and saw man walk on the moon - although I couldn't understand the fuss, thought anyone with a rocketship could go there, and so began a lifelong difficulty distinguishing fiction from reality - yours Jeremy Irons as Charles Ryder.

The silver white dot that appeared on the screen's centre after the television was turned off was troubling.

The other evening i was at the hairdresser and sat opposite the actor who, many moons ago, played Alvin Purple. I was tickled.

On my way home i thought about Alvin Purple, Alvin Rides Again and then Son of Alvin Purple, which starred Gerry Sont. As the taxi turned from Victoria Road into the Crescent, i caught a glimpse of Glebe Island Bridge and thoughtfully stroked my chin while puzzling over the fate of Gerry Sont. Mercifully the taxi driver turned on PM, temporarily ending those vapid thought waves.

However, they readily returned tonight (as they do every night, on a fine Arab charger, no less) for while I was watching telly I was delighted to see Gerry Sont promoting a retirement fund.

Puzzle solved.

Rrrresult.

Cockadoodledoo.

What's the smudge tell me what'sahappenin'

Hey, all day i've passed people scuttling about with dusty grey smudges on the centre of their foreheads.

At first i was puzzled and thought it was perhaps an attempt at homepathically curing a cold but why would you look so smug, then i realised:

Ash Wednesday

Isn't that marking meant to be in the shape of a cross? What's with all the good padri being afflicted with the lazy digit?

Worse I realised that i'd missed fricking Shrove Tuesday - pancake Tuesday.

At the second state primary school i attended we used to sing this song:

Pancakes Lissela , Pancakes Lissela,
now's the time to fry'em
for today is Tuesday
and ....

I cannot remember the rest. Teacher's father was the minister of the church down the road. Teach used to make us sing The Lord of the dance too. We sang "they whipped and they stripped and they hung him high" with great fervour.

So much for 1901*and whatnot.

Anyway I guess it's 40 days until Easter and I'm not Lending a thing.

OH Easter is my favourite Christian festival. I just love it. Why? Because it's a great story: the cross bunny fighting three times with that mendacious rooster, running away to sulk behind a rock but fortunately laying a trail of chocolate eggs so Judy and the search party of soldiers managed to find him.

I just love that Easter break and the opportunity to have my annual Passiona film festival featuring the works of Zeffarelli, Rice & Lloyd Webber and Scorsese. It's superdooper Friday-Monday.

*4 years before France separated Church and State. The separation of pollie and supermodel edict is imminent there. It was decreed in Australia in the early 70's following Billy, Sonia and theslit-up-thigh gown going to Washington.

Hey Moana*

Some say carpe diem while others carp and demean.

(Now that would be a top little quote for the 2009 Women's Wit calendar – I’d like the quote in Times New Roman 12 pt but Mistress Bel written in hot pink 16 pt Monotype Corsiva or Lucida Calligraphy, probably the latter as it is nice and subtle.) It also has the potential to be an up little ditty to be sung by Racey, yours B. Bacharach.

While the mistress can be the cow with the crumpled horn, she generally restricts her whinging and funk attacks to herself, the select few sounding boards called friends, or cyberspace. Very noble and discreet.

One's railing and wailing sessions are generally short. The mistress having the maturity of a five year old can be easily cajoled into a good mood with a few soothing enquiries about herself, a pat on the head , and a dark blue cellophane bag of mixed sweets works a treat.

However, I am never the whinging raaag in the workplace, or on the mobe on the bus for that matter. That is just too disgraceful. Particularly when the whinging is expressed with a bubble gum accent meets Gilmore Girl banter. UGH. I mean to say, I didn’t go through the Blitz to suffer that. Indeed I did NOT.

Lady Grump, Lady Grump, it’s not alright, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.


*Bo Diddley or Craig Mclachlan song - it's always your choice on NSR

Lady Grump

From the bus window I espied a red 1989 Ford Laser with the number plate FUN 180. Its driver was a twonnysomething blonde, sporting a black shirt with Fitness First embroidered in blue above her pert right brrreast.

Driver was scowling into space puffing on a fag.

Spew glorious spew

This morning i had the delight of catching the ferry to Circular Quay to go to work. It was wonderful and the sea was slightly choppy which was exciting.

As i walked from the Quay to my office in Wynyard, i counted several piles of vomit. I didn't think that Wednesday was a notoriously boozy night even for the Rocks area. Perhaps the piles were left over from the nation's weekend celebrations but they really did look too fresh. Seasick ferry travellers?

Anyway i didn't give it a second thought until 10 minutes ago when returning home from the bottleshop after having had a somewhat fraught and dispiriting driving lesson - thunderstorm, lightning, mental traffic and my steering is spaz and erratic, I passed the old post office and noticed a scrawl on its wall that read "Cass spewed here" with an arrow pointed towards the ground.

Like a circle within a spiral

A tall man, looking like a cross between Alastair Campbell and Stephen Fry, wearing a camel hair coat over a suit, pushes his way agitatedly through a revolving door and enters an impressive and enormous corridor. Mr Important Business strides and strides, the sound of his shoes resonant against the marble floor - similar to the sound Aqua boy made when he walked on land, brushing the fringe away from his brow, pushing his way extravagantly through some swing doors, his pace becoming more urgent and impatient.

Finally he bursts into an office, where a young woman (played by Kelly MacDonald) is seated busily shuffling paper, looking harried, and he cries:

"We can't let this happen!

We've got to get rid of him!

We can't let Adam Ant overthrow the government!"

Unfortunately I then woke and desperately tried to return to the dream but could not - to be continued January 2009 non-ratings season.

Now where did I put that opinion?

The non-ratings season has had some top little shows hasn’t it. I have enthused about the non-ratings season to you before but as if you’d remember, sweet nsrs. You've minds of sieves and remember sweet fanny adams about things past, present and lost and need me to act as prompt and diarist of your dreary lives, which I’m happy to do while advantageously spreading lies about good times, feuds and birthdays. Haven’t been sprung yet and you’ll forget in one, two...

Yes that’s right, we were talking about non-ratings season. Yes, I said hasn’t it been good, mother. Yes. Very good. Lovely. We’ve been enjoying all those interesting dramatisations of English lives, haven’t we, mother. Adored Wallis and Noblet (about he who would never be crowned and his abdication in 1936) – would have liked to have seen more about those greedy toads lives in exile but have since read the Viceroy's daughters by Anne de Courcey and the thirst for historical information about Anglo/German aristos has beeen well and truly slaked. Rivetted by Elizabeth David portrayed by a Charlotte Rampling look-a-like and with Hot Ploddy Phil Hunter’s wife Cindy playing Elizabeth’s sister. It was a boozy, racy, adventurous and kind of volatile tale. Ooh we’ve also been enjoying that adaptation of The Line of Beauty, haven’t we. Oh the sex scenes have been a bit too much for some, haven't they, mother, but I for one find it absurd that people comment on that rather than the absolutely vile characters.

I did try to read the book two years ago but couldn’t. The characters were just too ghastly. On the telly the characters’ hideousness is slightly diluted in that you only see them for an hour whereas when you read those characters penetrate your mind and haunt you. I am looking forward to tomorrow night’s finale of LoB.

The Line of Beauty being set in Blighty in the 80’s and whatnot caused my mind to wander to one day in 1988, I think the Poll Tax (?) had just been passed. I was walking down the Cromwell Road or was it Gloucester Road, oh as if you’d remember, I was on a pilgrimmage to Froxbury Mansions, and this woman in her 50’s wearing one of those enormous and hideous Liberty scarves/shawls (which were in fashion for her set at the time) around her shoulders bowled up to me for I was kitted as a Sloane Ranger, sporting Fergie bow and diaphanous skirt, peppering my speech with OK Yah in between scoffing profiteroles and throwing bread rolls all the while bopping to Bros on the Sony Walkman.

Anyway for some reason this woman, probably a Mrs Towers-Smythe or Miss Dodo Macintosh, came up to me and boomed in my face “oh isn’t it marvellous SHE got it through”. I sought clarification with a “sorry, what?” and expressed my opinion to which she replied through her nasal passage:

“Oh you’re from Orstralia are you? Happy Bicentenary!”

Friday morning nightmare

While reading this morning’s paper my gimlet eyes, well alright they’re more like those of Arnold the pig from Greenacres – 2008 is the year when I will be keepin' it real, caught sight of a little review of last night’s concert by the punk pop travesty known as the Police.

Can you imagine the smirk that spread across my lips as I bit into my toasted half bagel, smeared with Mum’s garlic spread (used to be produced in Enmore), and read:

“Sting implored the audience to clap*- an instruction that even the celebs down the front - such as Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban, Hugh Jackman and Deborra-Lee Furness - didn't care to ignore.”

Here a sham, there a sham, everywhere a sham-sham. A veritable sham-a-rama.

Now while I’ve got your attention may I please table this:

Has Cate Blanchett hired Clan Kidman's PR agent? Can’t flick through a paper or magazine or channel surf without seeing CB and that fixed pained smile on her face as she trots down the red carpet, advises of her $10M environmentally sound mansion or freshly laid log (oh the crudite as Mark Latham used to say).

The media overload was happening well before the two Oscar nominations. Yes, she is a gifted and talented actress/impressionist and went to the opportunity school for actors, but really she’s become such a publicity hound that the mistress recommends that she lie low for a while and work on a new "photo look", ie facial expression for the poor snap happy paparazzi.

*says it all

Honey, honey, call me on the telephone

For some reason i have that line from Star Star on my brain. I do wonder where fun city is -Bulli, Bendi or Mel?

Since i lasted posted i have been up to much important business.

F'instance, i was searching for information about pink flowering dwarf gums on the gardening Australia website and look what came up at
number 11.

Where membership’s a smiling face

Well may people ask “what are you listening to at the moment?” (MySpacien in origin?) but would enquirer care to know about lyrics and toons that randomly emerge from your memory banks to become that day’s, week’s soundtrack.

This week I’ve been staring at my work schedule for 2008 trying to work out the very latest I can submit stuff so I can focus on personal emails, facebook and reading blogs when the sound of cicadas vibrate in my right ear (too high a frequency for my partially deaf left ear), a mesmerising Calypso or Cuban beat starts tapping in my mind, my shoulders sway (moving in the disconcerting fashion that the shoulders of Nightmoves host Lee Simon did when he spoke) and I mouth “all that’s missing is the sea” to holler “But don’t worry, you can suntan!”, with great gusto, then a "woah woah wooaaaaaaaah" descending to a bit of "cool, coooooooooool" and ending with a pathetic cough to conceal my folly.

Nevertheless a hauntingly satiric lyric such as this should be sung out loud with exuberant abandon.

Keep your crystal visions to yourself

Following the trail of some friends, whose opinion I hold in high regard, I went and saw no country for old men. What did I think of it? I really do not know. I don't think i even understood it. I didn’t hate it but it left me feeling like I’ve got mad cow’s disease, or perhaps that’s just returning to work after the Xmas break. I’m dazed and almost without an opinion.

I rather liked the actors, the scenery and feeling freaked out by the violence'n'gore and watching those bits through the parted fingers covering my face while yelping. However, I just feel that the film went in my mind and straight out. And although I had been warned that Tommy Lee Jones’ monologue was the last part of the film and not to zone out I did. I believe this is because he was recounting a dream. I mean really who listens to anybody's recount of a dream. Furthermore it didn't sound as though there was one celeb in it!

Hanyways I'd much rather have seen that film than the one about the Bobster. Still I am left worrying that perhaps, like Lady Di once lamented, "i have the brain of a pea" - still that "devious moron" had one over me - i'm so ignorant i didn't know that peas had brains.

I will leave you the following to ponder in 2008 (please read it with the voice of Ronald Coleman or Maxwell Smart as that Prince)

Is it a far, far better thing to be a devious moron or a Best Party Eva Corey, or are they the same thing?

self-obsessed and unawares

Fiii-nally i've got your attention.

On new year's eve i saw the fireworks which were exciting, particularly the ones at midnight. I wasn't so keen on the accompanying music that was booming around the harbour but FJG, Sputnik for short these days, don't ye know, and i did sing along to that latest silverchair hit. I met some very nice people, encountered some rude articles and witnessed Maria Venuti's girlfriends attempting to make a burst for freedom from the bare constraints of Maria's frock. Hardly a scoop, I know, but my eyes are still bruised.

Now that's some beginning for 2008 and no doubt augurs a bountiful year ahead. Well not for the majority of carry-on stars, so whichever one of you is loitering feeding me those titty boom-boom jokes naff orf back to bishop and actress heaven.

I have made about 5 resolutions. Unfortunately my resolve has dissolved, like Calgon but the bath tub ring that was my life in 2007 remains. (i lifted that from stanza 4 of Macarthur Park).

One thing i must no longer be culpable or part of in 2008 is the see-saw Marjory bore conversation. You know, the conversations where an anecdote or something topical, well anything really, is being recounted and the interlocutor doesn't roll with the conversation, let the see-saw evenly teeter and totter if you will, or allow speaker to come to a conclusion, but cuts in and attempts to top it with some tenuously linked tale (about her/himself natch), thus springing her/himself high into the air causing the other to thump down to the ground smacking the coccyx. And yes, we're back on course, hearing about you, glorious, tediously lacking self-deprecation, blissfully bouncing a-top a fluffy wad of self-satisfaction, you! It will however be open slather in 2009. I wonder if Mrs Christmas or Chrisco sell muzzles with those appealing hampers?

I certainly won't be dabbling with Limewire any more. Lawks what a freaky time i had with it recently. I'd been thinking about Lucky Jim and the 1957 film adaptation starring Ian Carmichael and Terry-Thomas (Tel played either Prof or Bertrand Welch). I'd taped it from the television in the early 90's; it wasn't that great but i thought it would be interesting to see again, in light of my enjoyment of I.C. playing, sorry, playin', Lord Peter Wimsey. Unfortunately tape of Lucky Jim has completely faded (?). I thought i could purchase it from Amazon but my tightness led me to Limewire. I began my search for Lucky Jim and some really nauseating pornographic titles came up. A total freak out, ugh, and before you could say Dolly Dunn i'd stopped that search and removed Limewire. The treacherous pervy waters of the internet. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh and quadruple Ugh.

The quote for today from Women's Wit calendar is by Maryanne Fahey:

How many ughs does it take to make an ugg boot?

Happy newie

That was inspired wasn't it?

I guess i could have written a pome but I prefer subjects such as people and biscuits, being the people person foodie that i am .

Speaking of inspiration, the quote for 2 January of the Women's Wit 2008 calendar, one of the exciting gifts from my Christmas treasure, is by that legendary wit and humorist Nicole Kidman:

"Life has got all those twists and turns. You've just got to hold on tight and off you go."

Ooh i feel a poetic tribute coming on.

Have a kool yule

Was that first uttered by Skeeter (RIP James Kelmsley - Jack Wild last year and now Skeeter, lordamumsamercy me), the Fielders' Frrresh boy or the six white boomers?

Or was it the title of an Ol' 55 Christmas LP or the slogan for ice on sale at service stations? Did you know that petrol stations in Tasmania still have attendants to personally pump the tiger in your tank?! Well you do now.

Speaking of life as a 7 year old, here is a favourite Christmas carol from the time.

Christmas Day by John Wheeler and William G. James

The North-wind is tossing the leaves,
The red dust is over the town;
The sparrows are under the eaves
And the grass in the paddock is brown;
As we lift up our voices and sing
To the Christ-Child, the Heavenly King

The tree-ferns in green gullies sway;
The cool stream flows silently by:
The joy-bells are greeting the day,
And the chimes are adrift in the sky,
As we lift up our voices and sing
to the Christ-Child, the Heavenly King

Now i must go and listen to "An Australian Christmas".

Tomorrow: do's and don't's for Christmas fare and flair.

We’ve got a P.M. called Kevin

What an absolutely fantastic result and such a marvellous contrast to the 2004 election.

I went to a brilliant election party and was lucky to partake in much exuberant celebration. After retiring about 4.30 I woke an hour later with a headache and got up to get some water and fresh air and investigate whether the party was still going. I staggered out into the backyard, there didn’t seem to be any revellers left, and stumbled up the path to the backyard’s tippity top where you get a wonderful view of the district and a good breeze.

After much weaving and swaying I finally finished the ascent to witness the party's host jumping up and down in a gleefully triumphant dance with his two dogs.

It was a wonderful sight to behold.

I let out a whoop and a cry, lost my balance and rolled down the hill.

Vote early and vote often

If I were running in an election the first thing I would do would be to consult the stars for myself and my opponent.

John Howard is a Leo, 26 July, shares his birthday with Mickey J, George Bernard Shaw, Jonty Rhodes, and many more including Amanda’s 2nd youngest brother.

Johh Howard is jealous because I share my birthday with Donald Bradman or is it because Glenn Matlock and Willy de Ville were also born that day? I guess i'll never know for he just went tomato red and refused to talk to me. And there i was trying to bond....

Kevin Rudd is a Virgo, born 21 September, shares his birthday with Leonard Cohen, Bill Murray, Henry Gibson, Luke Wilson and Nicole Richie and loads more - perhaps even you if you're lucky, pumpkin.

Here are their stars for 24 November, which is also the birthday of sister Lucy, a Sagittarius.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22) - On November 24th a full Moon illuminates something significant around your group of friends, and the station of Uranus on the same day indicates that something unexpected and surprising happens with regard to any bank loans or tax issues.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22) - . On the 24th a full Moon in your career sector brings with it some sense of completion or attainment in career matters, and the station of Uranus on this same day gives you a surprising event or development with regard to your significant other.

Johnny, Krudd, Peewee and Jules
Leo, Virgo, Leo, Leeebra
Vote, Vote on
Vote, Vote on

Hi i'm Kevin 07 and i'm Virgo
I know you're busy and I like the working fam
Take, take my hand
And vote me to victory in election land
Vote, vote on
Vote, Vote on

She cracked

Mirror mirror in one's hand

who's the cutest in the land?

No longer, no more and never again will one be able to make that daily enquiry of one's pocket mirror - a nice piece of glass backed with a spectacular colourised photo of Shirley Temple looking cute, natch, but also rather grumpy and matronly at age 6ish.

Shirley was involved in a melee with Ruby kiss no 5 and and Lady Jane the wide tooth comb in the confines of a make up bag after midnight no doubt for that's when all inanimate articles come to life. Ruby and Lady Jane, and let's use that broad's title loosely please, did Shirley over and whipped her glass in a most artistic and dramatic fashion.

What in the June Dally-Watkins am i going to do without my little grooming buddy. Forget your ship without your sail, it's like Mrs Everege without a hoame, Arthur Fonzarelli without a comb.

And what could it possibly foretell for Mrs Temple-Black or the Republicans.

Oh

my

goodness.

If you wanna cruise you can cruise

Is what a dude in the lift said to me at lunch time. And no the mistress was not eyeballing him in a highly salacious fashion. He'd just told me he was having a "cruisey day" and i looked a bit sceptical so he then imparted the above maxim. I didn’t reply with an Interesting but I can’t say I agree but smiled and popped a fruit mentos in my mouth to prevent articulation of juvey riposte, all juvey outbursts are reserved for blog or email.

Eating sweets in a lift on a Monday after luncheon. How’d you be? Slightly seedy if you’d like to hazard a guess.

Carousing on a Sunday night? Traipsing down the main drag in search of an open hotel at ten. Who on earth am I? More’s the point how the f&^% old am I? Act your age not your shoe size mama indeed! Blame it on the silly season, blame it on Rio if you must (another top little film with Michael Caine) but we all know where the blame really lies, with old mr good times von dipso that is who. Ever ready to appear at the sound of a cork popping or the unscrewing of a liquor lid, pop, glugg, glugg and out he bounces brandishing that laughs and liquor banner. Cheeky little fellow.

It was fun and out of the blue. Fun’s like that.

Things I love at the moment: driving lessons, Will and Grace Season 3, Powderfinger, bios about aristos, and whiskers on kittens - well on anything but one’s visage, sugar.

Dumb things I gotta do: work (?!) for my living?! and repeat Year 9

I am feeling rather optimistic about the result of this Saturday’s election. I wonder if Antony Green has framed my pome...

Spin it out sisters

Hasn’t Edina Monsoon been busy?! And hasn't she lifted her game? So much PR about the Kidman sisters’ trials and tribulations. I just read that Nicole Kidman has announced to the media that she lost two children. Sweetheart, we all know that; They're called Connor and Isabella and you lost 'em around the time the press lost interest. Cold mountain also claims not to use botox and that her wrinkle free face is a result of not smoking and generally "looking after herself" of which she is really proud?! Oh pet – cure cancer and then you’ll have a reason for some self-satisfaction. Futhermore, don’t you know that every time the use of botox is denied a beauty therapist dies or worse, gets busted for smuggling marijuana in a boogie board bag.

Inevitably Connor or Isabella will write his/her mommy dearest. Oh the golden age of Hollywood has indeed returned: Nickers is the new Joan Crawford, Angelina currently doing a very good mamma mia farrow, oh the scandale that lies ahead, and the Minogues have been cranking out a glorious tribute to Joan and Jackie Collins for decades now - does that make Jason Donovan Tony Newley? The mistress hastens to add that she could search the whole world over and she’d never find another you, Oh Judith Durham desist from stalking my febrile mind, I mean, Dame Elizabeth Taylor or Ms Bette Davis.

The sheer delight of it all

Every glorious morning one wakes up revelling that one is one, lovely, delicious one.

That’s a quote from the foot of a harbour calendar from several office desks ago, NSRS, and it has become a mantra of self-actualisation proportions for the mistress - ever ready to be plucked from her steel trap of mind to stir her from any funks threatening to descend.

Even when one remembers the thwarted dreams and ambitions, particularly that one is never going to be that child star of stage and screen, no longer adored nor understood, chiefly scorned as an adult, one no longer collapses in a heap or pours a tumbler full of voddie and orange over ice for one’s brekky juice. One leaps out of the old sackarooni to salute the sun humming "life, life is for living ".

Car, car, kaka

I did the "Knowledge" (hah!) at lunch hour and have just driven my first ever hour on the roads of the inner west; from Enmore to Lewisham via Marrickville.

I am so spaced out and wobbly. Did i just drive? That's an automatic motor for ya. It was rather fun at the time and I exclaimed so to instructor along with a few "Gordons" and "naughty driver" and one "shit". Instructor threw in quite a few "relax", "Keep your hands on the wheel!", you'll be fine, darling". I do find "darling" rather soothing no matter how close an oncoming vehicle appears to be approaching. I'm rather parched from my mouth being agape for so long.

Now i am just reeling; it's as though i dreamt the lesson.

I haven't got another lesson for a week so i guess i'll have to practise on the dodgems at Luna Park until then.

I would like to say that I need a nice watery whisky but i'm more in the mood for a large gin and tonic.

You are my rock

Ooh forget the fever in the funkhouse there’s heat in the economy which means that several interest rate rises are possible. It’s not a given, I’m just giving you a heads up that it may not be a be a win win situation for you aspirational hard working Australians, working mums and dads, hard working Australian families. So just watch this space.

Where have all the good men gone? (long time passing as Hesba Brinsmead used to sing.) I am so on the same page as those sexy successful singletons. Yeah I know - it’s tough there is a serious shortage of men. I mean seriously, they're either underage, married - yummy mummys blow, out and out homosexualiste, on the lam, or just not into you - go figure!

Still what doesn't kill ya only makes you stronger and it’s nothing that a good bit of retail therapy can’t fix, you feisty but feminine shopaholic.

I give you props.

I hear that there’s heat in the economy so spoil yourself and splurge on some sexy as, have to have strappy sandals, pamper yourself with a shot of botox and melanin, and pig out on a packet of Tim Tams and case of zero sugar cola - you're worth it, but girlfriend make sure you regurgitate, or you’ll never get a man.

Are we there yet? Not a problem.

Mistress Mitty

Ow. Mistress returned to work this week. It was A-OK, peachy and mellow; mistress works with some very nice cats and dudes. I have been very busy at work and play. Had a meeting that went on for half a day.

At times it got rather passionate and heated so rather entertaining but sometimes it was kind of long and rambling and dull like a group of musos jamming, so mistress would start daydreaming, which is not very sound when she is in charge of taking detailed notes. She was awoken from one reverie by hearing someone speak hesitantly, thought it was Godfrey from Dad’s Army so she sat upright and looked upon speaker with interest and wondered if it were just his voice’s timbre that he shared with Godfrey, and started thinking of Godfrey’s posh background and his sister, Cissy, and less tasteful matters Godfrian. That chain of thought was broken by someone uttering an impassioned cry of “it is what it is”, rather nonsensical in itself but it made me start thinking of Stella Street and a scene featuring the fabulous impression of Al Pacino talking to Les the Geordie gardner.

Meeting ended and I seem to have got the most salient points and added a bit of colour to it all. So a win win situation. I'm proud of myself and ought to be congratulated. Sorry, channelling Smug McSuck, aka your least favourite smug acquaintance, and no, not the mistress, I know all roads and whatnot but smug is one adjective you cannot apply, mistress comes over all teflon with that one.

And today is Friday and the mistress does not to want be at work. According to Dr Sputnik she’s suffering from "Post partying and peregrination pessimism", which is a sound diagnosis. I feel all Sticky Fingers Stonesy really when I should be all uptight and shocking 80's Let's work and Hang fire Thatcherite Stonesy. Hey, Mrs T started out as member for Dartford, don't ye know.

Not long now till Mr Weekend arrives, as Aerosmith belted out in the 80’s (track 12 –Aerosmith rarities – yes have been introduced to the joys of Limewire; does this journey on the Information Super Highway ever end, kids?), and I’m dining out tonight with Stefanie Powers and checking out Jonty’s new digs. Saturday am pottering around the mansions and swotting for the Driver Knowledge Test. Sunday I’m visiting the olds for lunch and some filial dooties - pater's broken down yet again on the I.S.H.; He had Limewired Flanders and Swann, Nina and Frederick, when he got onto Jabberjaw Sutherland and the computer went spare.

Top weekend to ya.

i'm doing important hazardous business

I'm wearing a fluoro vest, don't ye know.

She walks like a bearded rainbow

Freak out. What is going on in Sydney shops? They are all playing songs by the Cream. Hey, mistress is not complaining but it's rather strange.

It all began around three weeks ago... cue swirly, whirly, romper bomper stomper doo in unstringed racquet effect.

I was in the Strand arcade looking for a birthday gift and went into this kind of fancy jewellery shop and that song from Fresh Cream "..Money, nothing funny, wasting the best of our life, bah, bah, felix papallardi, bah, bah." was blaring out. I did a shimmy and a shake, my gaze twitching upon this twonty something shop assistant in early 70's garb seated lotus like on a bench, twirlin' a tendril of her mouse-coloured hair around her finger and singin' along in a very loud and inane fashion. Hearing that song again and seeing gel singing muppet style left the mistress somewhat distrait and incapable of scrutinising baubles, and with a real urge to hear "what a bringdown".

Since the Strand i have heard the Cream at several other shops throughout Sydney. Then when i was staying at the house of mirth aka chez lorraine last week, Jeff Duff was playin' and that dude's voice is very, very Jack Bruce. Edwin Duff's is of course totally Ol' Blue Eyes.

Final meltdown for the mistress was this arvo while checking out clothing with Stefanie Powers at the House of Scrag - we were lookin' for clothes for Stef NOT the mistress. Tales of Brave Ulysses was playing on the stereo.

What is this about? Is it due to the recent publications by Patti Boyd and Clappers or does it augur summat worse? Take care, Ginger ...

Good times reigned supreme

I cannot stop thinking about that party. To left is a photo of fjg preparing for party. Blowing leaves sans fluoro - very desultory.

I think Alice was right; It was the best party ever and a school reunion with people you wanted to see. Of course some very significant people were missed, huwo AMP, but as my recent tatt on tummy reads, "shit happens", incidentally this greatly complements the "whatever" that is tattooed in ye olde English lettering arched across my upper back.

In between surfing the net, texting, emailing and swilling booze i've been padding about Tupper Mansions, picking up rubbish and throwing it down somewhere else, smiling and laughing as snapshots from the Jubilee celebrations float through my mind.

So much laughter and joy and everyone so nice. It was a booze fuelled Sherwood Schwartz production.

My current favourite snapshot is one from about 4 a.m. It features a very bronzed Française running around, lifting up her t-shirt to reveal her stomach and moaning about her menopausal belly. Oh well at least tummy was tanned.

Gonna make you a star

So yeah I have had the remainder of the week off from work but unfortunately the mistress was lady lather of indecision* prior to the hols and didn't she think she'd have anything to do in Mel, kept picturing herself wandering aimlessly for 8 hours a day around Federation Square getting addicted to the square's giant text message being broadcast on its walls, so arranged her itinery to return to Syd early in the piece.

Fortunately before leaving the State of play, i did have the time and good sense to catch up with Francesca and her daughter, Ada, and had a lot of fun and laughs.

Francesca had told Ada about Joanna's speech for Fran's b'day which featured everyone's alleged celebrity "doppleganger" in Fran the miniseries. Ada was rather taken with this concept, as we all were - irresistible really oneself being played by some ridiculously good looking actor, and compiled the photos of our celebrity dopplegangers and typed our names beside them. Ada created a list of minor characters; modestly placing herself on this page's tippity top - we did spend a lot of time pondering the celebs for the minor character roles. Brava Ada, brava.

We did note that probably three of the males we know would like to have Hugh Grant playing them, either because of vague similarity in appearance or just an absurd love of him. I found this rather problematic but as Francesca pointed out, Hugh would win an Oscar for playing so many roles and all the challenges in wardrobe and physique. It would be Hugh's Kind Hearts and Coronets, not that i am sure whether A. Guinness won such an award for that brilliant film.

Do not worry, Richard Curtis won't be writing the script. Joanna had touted Baz. Curiously RC, and no, I do not mean Russell Crowe, now seems appealing. It really is time that I returned to work


*which is not dissimilar from Bill Bryson's Lord Lather of indecision

Oh my god

x 2 or 3 were Lady Di's last words according to this morning's paper.

I had always imagined her last words to be something like "faster, faster". Was her god proddy Christian, Sufi Muslim, Versace, Le Bon or Richard Gere? Furthermore, if she had died several years later would she have said instead "OMG" x 3? And if i said you had a beautiful body would you, oh sorry i get so distracted these days....

I guess we'll never know. Death's like that.

Well as you can read i have not much to say. I banged on so much last Saturday and Sunday that i've exhausted anything that was remotely interestin' and had to return to a favourite topic of scorn from the 90's. Lady Di was then replaced by Nickers Kidman and Tom Cruise in the derision stakes, then i got hung up on bubble gum accented talk and text, and now it seems to be premature blooming jacarandas. I suspect the latter is further inanity masked by environmental concern.

What's new? Well i have to say i posed this question to the rambunctious chuckles and dance table on Saturday night and I received this amazing and unintentional beat poet-like response from an interlocuteur which i will now adapt to elaborate on my quotidian.

What's new

Returned to Sydney on Tuesday
Dicked about on the computer for several hours
Sank several light beers
Watched hot ploddy
Went to bed
That's what's new

What's new
Got up
watched the 2nd last episode of Sopranos
Had to download the final ep and the one where
Tony kills Christopher
Felt rather repulsed
so ate some chocky wocky and drank red wine
went to bed

What's new
Had nightmares about being a villain
Was in an American mafia setting
but talking like 70's English supergrass
was shot at by corrupt filth (told you so)
and hiding behind a big sheet of cardboard
It was very scary
woke up

What's new
Oh i've lost interest, haven't you?

Another obsession continues

Every single poppin' Jacaranda in Sydney is in full bloom; i surveyed it all from the plane this morning and my fellow passengers, with whom i had some very pleasant conversations, concurred that the blooms were premature.

Balmy old Syd - I fear something has shifted between her and me.

The big thrill

Oh i have returned to Sydney after a rather marvellous time in Vic and, nsrs, it's really rather rum to be back.

The celebrations for the milestone birthday of FJG in Bendigo were splendid and a whale of a time was had by all.

FJG and S O'N were marvellous, generous and very hospitable hosts;Providing bedding and copious quantities of delicious fare and plonk for the many guests.

We had a 10-12 hour dinner, booze and show deal featuring top bands, speeches and some spectacular dancing thrown in.

It was marvellous to catch up and talk to so many people from so long ago. How i have missed performing that party trick.

Thank you all and good afternoon.

The carnival is over, Dickie B

As widely communicated in previous texts, telexes and telegrammes, the mistress experienced the most horrendous and scary (nb you there perched on your little green chair by the white plastic computer (please note in this instance computer is pronounced as in Mr Kotter - Kottair but sounded out to that rock steady crew tune) flight to Melbournia.

Fortunately the flight back to Sydney was fine and rather pleasant. On boarding DJ inane rave 90210 the Virg blue hostie advised that i was in the middle seat. I replied "swell" (a la Margot Channing I thought) to which Hostie quipped "Rock on" and gave me a thumbs up sign. "I wish i could be that cool", i thought and then remembered to say thanks while scratching my nose with my middle digit. Now that's rocknroll, sugar.

I was seated between two very nice women and a two year old. Two year old's mother appeared to be teaching daughter the present continuous tense as they looked through the round window and noted about the mistress " The lady is eating, the lady is drinking her tea, the lady is picking her....." . I am NOT a lady, goddammit.....

Fortunately they were not beside the mistress on the flight to Mel or they would have definitely seen her through the nervy b window "the lady is looking startled, the lady is twisting her fingers, the lady is crying, the lady is staring blankly at the safety instruction sheet, the lady is closing her eyes, the lady is having auditory hallucinations, the lady is worrying about her funeral, the lady is barking mad........."

A true confession (opposed to all those phoney ones) and all bad.

All I can wail is how would you have reacted?!! To be mid-air on flight DJ 858 Virgin Blue and witness some hosties racing down the aisle, lifting up the overhead luggage doors, visibly panicking and loudly puzzling about the whereabouts of a burning smell and asking passengers whether they'd left on their mobiles?!!

Yeah, I hear you, crying "don't even go there, girlfriend".

Incompetent Virgin buffoons. Get your laffs and giggles over and down with while on land please and get some good old fashioned common sense about you when airborne.

Fortunately it was just a "technical fault" and i'm still alive, loving the skin i'm in and well enough to have enjoyed Saturday's party and avoided Sunday's great debate for which i am truly grateful - thank you Idol.

Flutter little children and fly forth from me

I was just shaking my jeans before folding and packing them in my trolly dolly suitcase, off to Victoria for several days, when a moth flew out of one of the trouser legs.

Those Bogan moths are everywhere aren't they? Don't worry you haven't accidentally landed on the smh website, i'm sure that was front page story there a couple of weeks ago squeezed in between NicknBaznsorryRussimhiringHugh filming Australia and the lady Di inquest. Yes, it's 1997.

Fortunately no moths have flown into my ears.

The other night as i was drifting to sleep i felt some flapping around my person, below my waist, and leapt out of bed. However, the commotion continued in the nether regions. I hopped about somewhat panicked finally managing to flick wide the elastic of my drawers and out flew a giant Bogan moth. Had I spawned the blighter? Of that I will never truly be certain but I do feel that at last my life has meaning.

A storm in her b cup

While reading the papers the past three days, each time i've happened on the entertainment section i've been struck by the full page advertisement for the Police tour of Australia which depicts the band members in their heyday and not how they look now. Promo features a picture of a youngish Sting leaping in the air picking his bass (?) and the other two sourly looking on, well plus ça change and whatnot there. I mean to say even the tour posters for self proclaimed rocknroll star Stevie Nicks feature her in the now and not the past.

I guess i expected to see Sting looking older and smugger, admittedly still leaping in the air but entwined around Trudy "the scold's bridle" Styler in the middle of some tantric sex session - both pulling some really excruciating "hot" grimaces.

As the t-shirt says, "make Sting history".

While I am here may I just say that if I read one more journo or hear someone paraphrasing that Mark Twain “rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated” quote, well I, I, splutter ..... Why, it's almost as hackneyed as slagging off Sting with tantric sex put downs.

And, yes the election has been called and yes, I will be voting for the opposition even though Kevin Rudd’s delivery of counterargument reminds me of some prissy captain of a secondary school debating team, and let’s not even go into the content.

Please can the next speaker of the House not be like Andrew Harwood or my life will have truly come full circle.

I wish Lindsay Tanner were the leader of the Opposition.

Jacaranda trees are in bloom all over Sydney which seems rather premature or perhaps I’ve been obsessing too much about Sting over the years to notice when blooming commences. Still I am sure that there was some old saying, by Twain or Wilde, about the Jacaranda in the quadrangle at the University of Sydney and that if you hadn’t started studying by the time the Jacaranda began budding you were bound to live your life through the bottom of a booze bottle or worse, fail your exams. And even though I was rather conscientious during varsity days, and boy, did that get me places, I cannot recall that much study taking place before rocktober.

See you at this Saturday's jubilee celebrations or at the Alpaca show.

Bucolic idle (part i)

New South Wales has just celebrated the Labour Day long weekend. To those who were children in the 70’s and listened to 2SM or enjoyed some very good birthday party danceothon rages (never raves) most labour day long weekends in the 80’s and 90’s, it will always herald Rocktober.

Speaking of good times and labour (oh dear my mind’s eye just got a flash of Krudd bopping to ELO, oh no and here comes Richo tapping his toe to the Eagles) I spent most of the long weekend with some of my family west of the Blue Mountains. It was a lovely change from that zany Sydders’ hustle and bustle lifestyle – so exhausting staring into space and moaning.

The weather was glorious; sunny, blue skied and cool but rather blowy.

As I reclined in a comfy armchair re-reading bits from the Alan Alda autobio (I was savouring Alan’s anecdote about his doing a cartwheel down the aisle on his way to collect the Emmy for Best Writer, won for an episode of M*A*S*H), dunking a milk coffee biscuit in a cup of tea (constantly sticking it to the man me), I sensed a frantic and agitated movement to my right periphery. I looked out the window to see pater brandishing an enormous pair of secateurs and pruning prunuses with no prudence whatsoever.

Here's to you Daddy Scissorhands. Branches were flying at a furious pace and I feared that one was about to fall and scratch papa's eyeballs, from which cataracts had been recently removed and replaced with a curious and occasional glinting flash that lends him the air of an inscrutable ancient feline. Constable Care threw on the fluoro vest and grabbed some hideous big goggle-like sunnies to shield scissor happy pappy’s eyes from the twigs. I then passed the remainder of the morning playing gardener’s assistant, exhibiting more grace than I did as child in the same role, and gathered the branches, carrying them away to my secret stash of sticks for some future arsoner’s delight.

After that exciting and dutiful activity it was time for some exploration and a picnic. We hastened to Sodwalls and happened upon a railway track and an old viaduct. I wanted to explore the viaduct but it was fenced off. I no longer trespass after a few instances incurring the wrath of landowners and landing in almighty pickles. The railway track still functions for a coal train passed us, or was it phantom, which was rather exciting. Then it was on to Tarana, Oberon and Hampden passing houses and farms with names such as Sweet Pea Cottage, Cherry Tree farm and Pussywillow ridge. On the outskirts of Oberon and on the way to Duckmaloi passed a property named Ponderosa which was adjacent to another called Altamont. There was a strange vibe in the air, Rocktober had indeed begun…

The glad game

Admittedly leaf blowers are one of the most ridiculous and disgracefully wasteful gardening tools invented. You all know and think that – in fact I think we could conclude that it is a given as Kerry O’Brien repeatedly stated in his interview with the PM last week on the 7.30 report (the power of KathnKim what).I cannot for the life of me understand how Diana Bubbles Fisher supported the leaf blower machine on the Inventors, particularly with its rather utilitarian colour scheme – the only functional thing about the mother,leaf blowers not Bubbles.

Saturday just past was an exceptionally blowy day in Sydney – the type of wind to whip up school kiddies and murderers. I strolled down the road to purchase my newspaper wishing that the newsagent would just let me buy the Spectrum but remembering how she got annoyed with me when I left the other section wads last time – and while she is always polite, excessively so, I feel that a serial murderer or feverish poison pen letter writer lurks at her inner core waiting to be revealed by Alan Bennett, so she must not be crossed, when I passed the Anglican church and witnessed Reverend Philpot and four male seniors (grey power?) in the midst of a gardening frenzy.

Boughs were being felled, clivia uprooted and one senior was using a leaf blower with a fervour that’d make Paul the Apostle seem docile, let alone sane. Talk about a whirling dervish. There were leaves already blowin’ all over the joint without the good padre’s little helper pointing that ridiculously noisy and insensate nozzle everywhere. The prospect of heaving all them Saturday sections home and the frightful wind were already placing the Mistress in quite a fit of tetch but senior and his leaf blower formed the final bee in my bonnet.

And then my blasphemous thoughts and state of vexation were interrupted by a curious longing and need for a sugar dusted jam doughnut so I bought one from Victor’s Patisserie. It was duhlllishous.

Blast off

On Friday night Joanna treated the mistress to a night of hilarity, nostalgia and entertainment of the highest quality.

Not Dirty Dicks but Countdown Spectacular 2!!! I'll reserve the lech and wench themed carry-on for one's 43rd anniversary, bags your seats now!

The show was a four hour spectacular with a punctual 7.30 kick off and 20 minute interval. We got there early to have our bubbles and the delicious rolls that J had kindly prepared for our tea. I particularly savoured the camembert and sundried tomato variety.

The bell rang and a firm but fair sounding bird instructed us to get to our seats, we did. Once seated i surveyed the punters who consisted of some baby boomers, many generation jones (1954-1965 don't ye know. Well i only do because Nickers keeps me apprised of such matters - he gets to listen to Life Matters and I rarely have the opportunity), and a smattering of generations X, Whine and Z. I had a couple of gels from generation Z beside me who leapt up and hollered when Katrina and the Waves opened the show. I don't know what i found more curious their age or reaction to K and the W. Oh settle, bel , that is not the spirit for countdown spectacular.

Where does one begin with such a show. Do you know what, almost all of the performers were great, admittedly the majority only had one song to perfect, occasionally two or three.

Gavin Wood got us settled, Joanna found him too cas, but i rather liked his toode, not to mention his look. It was strangely soothing and womblesque.

Highlights for the mistress:

Supernaut - BIG NATCH. Only did i like it both ways but. Would have loved to have heard too hot to touch, and even i don't want to be unemployed for a bit of comic relief. The look of Gary Twinn (lead singer) has like completely changed (extraordinary after 30 years!) He looks like some kind of US daytime soap star/contestant for INXS singer comp. Perhaps I'm a little bit Kath Day-Knight but i preferred the perm with its peroxided streaks and the long scarves on bare chest image. The gels that I went with thought he was gorrrrrrrrgeous but. So there you go and his new look was worth sighting just to hear them sincerely saying "oh he is gorrrrrrrrrgeous." But the highlight was when they waved a banner which said "Gary u spunk".

The Radiators. Coming home. Tops.

Plastic Bertrand. He looks incredibly young, plastic by name...., so slim for such a middle aged mec and so energetic. Ca Plane Pour Moi was the first 45 I bought. So now that i have seen the stars of the first 45 and 33 i purchased play live i feel truly fulfilled. I didn't purchase a 78 but the first one i encountered was under the house and belonged to my grandfather. It was by Eartha Kitt. I haven't seen her perform live though. Oh so many memories triggered that night.

Bloke from Pilot. Magic. January. When he began singing "magic" he had to give up the ghost for fits of giggles - the audience's singing along was drowning him out.

Ignatius Jones. They won't let my girlfriend talk to me. I'm not like everybody else

Dave Mason. Quasimodo's dream.

Martha Motello. Total control. L out of lover. and another one. There was also some marriage proposal pantomime performance between her and Molly which then led to Molly talking about giving up the booze but not being able to give up the fags. The next day I watched Carry-on cruising on the television and was struck by its sophistication.

Squit from Racey. The two hits.

Wa wa nee. Most contemporary. Sugar free and stimulation. Paul Gray is the spectacular's musical director, which is rather a YTT Greg Millsish destiny. The back up band was pretty good and those backup singers, the Wolfgramm Sisters were sensational.

Rick Springfield. Jesse's girl. Don't talk to strangers. Speak to the sky.

Angels No Secrets. Long line. Ever see your face again - audience did that no way, get fucked, rack off reply - rack off always manages to sound ruder than f.o. The way Bobby from Home and Away uttered rack off made her sound like Summer Bay's answer to Frank from Blue Velvet. Positively xxxx rated delivery, my dears and goldLogieworthy.

Lots more but i need a breather.

Poor little Graham Bonnett was an utter dud but at least he appeared almost oblivious as he hectored "it's all over now, baby blue". Perhaps he should have gone with "warm ride", slightly less challenging. I had an awful vision of him at the end of the evening backstage going up to people saying '' great show, eh", and people smiling weakly at him then turning away. He'd swig back some booze and proceed to the next person, fishing for a complimentary comment about his performance, finally crumpling in a heap, seeking confirmation from the walls that he'd done a good show. Rocknroll can be a tough game, well, so i 've read.

If only cocking Katie Cebs would be struck by a bit of self-doubt. Landsakes what a totally smug article she can be. Sang trust me which was fine but then as she introduced the next song Love don't live here anymore, she had the gall to say that at the time i'm talking released its version someone else did a cover overseas (Madonna?) and scientology talking's was the best. Both seemed to be very closely modelled on the original by Rose Royce. And really such skiting was not in keeping with the event - anyone would have thought she'd made the top ten in Rhodesia.

Later in the show Les McKeown, Smanfa Fox, Sharon O'Neill, LRB, Molly, Squeak but now Chartbusters...

Like a heartbeat ... drives you mad

Since Brian banished me from my own musical (see Street of dreams post July 2006 - i prefer brackets to footnotes) I had no recourse but to put the precious fuck on ice. I made no contact, didn't return her majesty's calls, mildly dissed him in one subsequent posting and crossed the road upon any possible sighting. Unfortunately last week at the pedestrian crossing I was smiling my thanks at the driver for stopping to let me cross when my eyes looked directly into those of Brian who was smack bang behind the steering wheel. I hastily turned the other way, ricking my neck in the process.

But you know what, NSRs, Brian is one tenacious so and so. No sooner do you attempt to freeze him does he insouciantly return, bouncing back up at you like one of those inflatable Romper Room clowns when pushed to the ground. In all honesty how can i cull someone i've known since my mystic days as a tween, besides the mistress cannot afford to lose any more pals.

So that night when the phone rang i didn't screen the call but answered. Sure enough it was Briannon on the blower. My frostiness and reserve didn't even register with him, he just steamrolled on and arranged me to meet him at the cafe down the road from Rockdale library.

As I entered the coffee lounge the next day for luncheon, I was rather intrigued to see seated beside Brian a dude with silver hair what was all new waved up and stoodio lined, sporting a Dennis the Menace red and black stripey long sleeved t. I then recalled that Bri's phone messages had featured a lot of "we" "us" and "our" (also a hilarious film starring Lucille Ball and Hank Fonda) which i had attributed to further evidence of high and mighty Bri.

With great flourish and smugness Bri presented Sylvain, introducing him as his "life partner". Sylvain is a Belgian francophone performance artiste. He seems to be about 50 and his biggest claim to fame is making parties with Plastic B and the lads from Telephone in the 80's. He talked of nothing else during our meal. Brian had a diet coke and a nice air sandwich, and Sylvain imbibed from a 2 litre bottle of orange juice that i suspect was mixed with voddie. The mistress wolfed an open melt with grilled tomato and a side serve of chips, beetroot, grated carrot, onion rings and limp lettuce washed down with a malted milkshake. The only things the mistress relished that lunch hour let me tell you. Oh and the 'ello 'ello accents. Yes, Brian has developed a curious accent, distinctly francophony. Precious and affected - how does he do it!

After we cordially said goodbye, I walked aimlessly down the Princes Highway in search of a bus or train station, tetchily mimicking the previous hour's Brinanities, and realised that Brian and i had yet again called a truce of sorts. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em as Robert le Clair-le Beau used to frequently pronounce to the puzzlement of the patrons at Doug's Place.

"Foot not dissimilar from bottom" corner

The expression done and dusted has probably been around 4eva (ohwuh everyone wants her!!) but it’s only recently registered with me.

I seem to hear done and dusted every day (“once we’ve gone into lockdown, embedded this and rolled out that we’ll be done and dusted before APEC was a boy”; whole lotta cheerful and successful completion of tasks happening in Sydney).

I must confess that I have even tried saying dnd a few times but have got confused and muttered dusted down or it’s all gorne dusty. This morning my tongue even twisted out dusted gold lady (must stop reading mojo – as if! It’s the perfect music magazine for the mistress – it’s crammed with the type of info and opinion I find fascinatin’ even though it's not spouted from me - fancy!)

I think my problem with saying done and dusted is that it does not ring true. I mean you would only be done after the dusting wouldn’t you. I rather like Pledged and Proper because that is how the mistress runs Tupper Mansions. I absolutely love those Pledge grab-it dust cloths and dusters. They are sensational, handy, not to mention wasteful. They remove dust, dustballs and hairs from all surfaces in a trice. Frankly I don't feel completely satisfied with dwelling’s cleanliness until the floors and furniture tops have been Pledged.

Then i can settle on the couch with a soothing cuppa and Scotch finger to watch a nice dvd and feel like all is right. And we all like a bit of alright now don't we.

You're all i've got tonight

It's extraordinary that it's August; I still feel like it's July - it won't truly feel like August until the Virgo's reign commences.

Let's face it we all feel so settled and happy, not to mention superior, when Virgo's time comes.

Virgo is Madge to Dame Edna; Fanny to Linda; Ronnie Corbett to Ronnie Barker but never Ronnie to Keef - sweetheart, there are some levels to which even a Virg will not plummet. It's not all bad* - Virgos make great teachers, accountants, librarians and public servants. Anything a Virgo cannot do? Have fun? Oh downer desist with your negative meddling, and that goes for you too Lllexie!! Wooh, alright Mistress (sorry, am just imagining if this were blogged live in front of a stoodio audience .)

So from end of August until lateish September we can all feel rather good about ourselves, unless of course mid-superiority stride you realise that you are a Virgo. And it's at that point the expression "nervy b" is coined.

Yeah so the Leo part of August has been hotttt, which is all you can expect from a Llleeo, natch.

Good times but also kinda mellow. Had my first beginners yoga class on Wednesday. After initial irritation by ultra mellow guru's sonorous timbre, bel got with the strength and asanaed about. It was fun to do exercises i recalled from childhood and it's reassuring to know i'm as unco now as i was then. However, with sheer determination i will again surmount the unco, temporarily, but i don't think i'll ever come third place again in high jump.

It was a very good stretch session i must say - my neck feels pretty marvellous and my mind not as tetchy as it has been, which admittedly is not saying much.

Still when i saw four people pick their noses today, two on the bus ( a senior mother and her middle-aged son - oh i blame the mother), one on the street and one at work, I did not get het up. I embraced their public quest, made four new friends, and scooped the oyster. So my perspective on life has really improved.

Now NSRs this is the part of the posting where the Mistress has to make a confession.

She has become a fan of a contemporary rocknroll band!!

How do you like them toffee apples?!!

*seems such a quaint expression in the age of it's all good

I who have NOTHING to say*

In the 70's and 80's when midday movies and less racy soap operas wanted to indicate that a heterosexual couple had just had sex, the woman wore the man's shirt in the next scene; generally a big blue number because everyone looks good in blue. It's true. Blondie sang so.

Well that post-coital indicator has well and truly vanished from the screen, only fitting in this the PLASMA age. It's spent, i tell you, spent! As is the sheet-wrap-around-the-torso effect. Now everyone wears white fluffy robes and you know that they have done it. They were probably wearing white fluffy robes to convey consummation in Love American Style or the Love Boat but the trend only hit Australia due to the great love story that was Maggie T and Dickie Z . Dickie actually also inspired all the pollies to wear chambray and chinos when hitting natural disaster zones. And as for Maggie, well hasn't she inspired each and everyone of us in some way. Neighbs has only recently cottoned onto the fluffy robe as root indicator in the past two years. Poor Neighbs no wonder it needed a revamp; so slow on the uptake.

It is a phenomenon that has extended to real life. Last Saturday while doing a spot of shopping in Kmart, I was perusing ladies' undergarments when this man raced up to me from another aisle wearing a white fluffy robe and gleefully cried "you'll never guess what i've been doing!!" Astonishing and true. Poor public doesn't yet realise that you don't need to announce it as sportage of w.f. robe says it all.

Everyone in Neighbours, apart from wearing fluffy white robes - at it like rabbits they are, is moving to goddamn Queensland, Cairns in particular. But not one character pronounces Cairns with care, they pronounce it as cans and that, nsrs, absolutely gets my goat. Do you remember that singer Kim Carnes who sang bette davis eyes. Well, Gavin Wood on Countdown used to pronounce her surname as Cairns should be pronounced!! Topsy turvy am gonna have a nervy.

In other news I have had a hangover for 6 days - attended a great party for a great lady. Unfortunately my capacity to hold booze is not that great.

Post-good times for an old lady requires desperate guzzling of chamomile tea to abate the pounding head and impending nervy b. However, since sinking some light beer, I feel fine. How'd you be.

After next Wednesday the mistress is going to be a really calm and centred person. She is starting Hatha Yoga. And once got a few asanas down pat will venture towards the bank and motoring school.....The mistress is a woman of simple ambitions.

*Sounds like a Bee Gees' song title circa 67, eh? But tisn't. Would have been a great song but.