Thursday, 15 August 2013

Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest

"My Lib for Lindsay she’s the real deal

A hot blondie with bulk sex appeal

I loves the women and they loves me

I knows nothing ‘bout misogyny”

Oh no not Tony Abbott oh no

Green evangelism – he don’t like

Remove that carbon tax and the mining tax hike

Cut back government  t’increase prosperity

Repay the debt, and cuts for EVERYBODY

Oh no not Tony Abbott oh no.

Red budgie smuggler – he don’t care

He’ll stop the boats if you forget GST scare

Eliminate waste and Labor’s NBN

It’s fibre to the node when Tony’s PM

Oh no not Tony Abbott oh no

Pugilist, Monarchist, Rhodes Scholar Alum

He said he’s no suppository of wisdom

Santamaria, Howard and Bronnie B

His Flesh and Blood – his twisted holy trinity

Oh no not Tony Abbott oh no.


Thursday, 21 February 2013

Witty banter#1284

Matt Preston called didn't you get the memo it's official  he wants his cravate back.  I've run out of star of anise - first world problem. Those and some other prime turns of phrase have been my passport to social media networking success and glory the past few years.

Sure I usually get them mixed up, use dated references and make no sense, but that appears brilliantly subversive in cyberspace ( yet no need to seek asylum. When I do I will seek refuge chez Honorary Consul for Principality of Monaco, Lady Mary Fairfax at Fairwater, if she's still alive, would be downright vulgar otherwise. Can't wait to stage self-important press conferences from the funicular to the marina or the Fairwater rooftop. ).Why in October my tweets made Q&A two weeks running. We had cake for morning AND afternoon tea two consecutive Tuesdays at work. Life really could not have been better.

The power of tweet is a curious thing (oh step off Huey,  just build a bridge and get me over it} but sometimes it just does not work. Hey, no need to elaborate, dude, we've all been there. 

 This year I really want to get my head around the symbols, you know the winky eyes and poking out of tongues, and possibly find a replacement for "dude", it's very passe, perhaps "man" is back. Brian always told me that it was good to have goals but perhaps I'm over extending.

Sidebar*. Christ tonight's episode of Catalyst is noisy. Science has got all jackass/wacky spruikers delight. well then again Julius Sumner Miller was very noisy too.

*I first heard someone utter this term in a management meeting quite a few years ago and was awe inspired, dude must have a blog I mused in wonder, between thoughts of hurtling myself out the Boardroom window.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013


I think that it was Huey Lewis or perhaps Lou Reed who said it's hip to be square. 

In fact, it was what Lew Reed said to Huey Louis one night at the Factory for yes, I was there (slumped on an alcan foil covered beanbag (my creation)  about to pass out from too many luudes , nevertheless, there.)

The speed freaks and drag queens were out in force, Andy had had a quarter of a tab of a diet pill or perhaps it was a quart of Tab,  and Nico was flat on her back doing those crazy bicycle calisthenics (spookily portentous, not to mention lewd or is that loued) to the accompaniment of strobe, natch, so much goddamn strobe. Needless to say Huey Lewis felt really out of sorts and insecure and said as much to Louballsage (as Stirling and I had affectionately dubbed him).

It  took another 15 years for Huey Lewis to have the courage to put Lou's maxim to music.  I said to him, "Huey, dude, Lou's been ripping off cats for years, don't worry, it's the honky rockers' way." Unfortunately several years later I uttered similar words of encouragement to the Men at Work.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Takin' stock

Oh I know, everyone does with the new year and whatnot, so hardly un titre originale. However I really wish the Woolworth chain would.
Oh really I do.

Why one Sunday in my recent past, I went to two of the Woolworth stores in search of the schweppervescence variety of tonic water - it’d been so hot in Sydders that I required a hefty gnt to slake my first of an evening, Mrs Wigley's Rose just wasn't cutting it. And do you know what, neither of those stores had my preferred brand of tonic in stock.
Oh blame it on Alan Belford Jones.

 Everyone does, as the parrot moaned to me towards the end of 2012. We were in our personal individual bespoke hot tubs at our favourite gastronomique health spa fat farm, hot blubber, sweatin’ off the xmas lbs.  “You’re a c765, ABJ, I retorted with my infamous nodule entangled thyroid cackle of a laugh , but a rich one. Remember to laugh as you grow fat for everyone else will”. I noticed at that point he appeared to fart with rage in  the spa, those tell tale bubbles, don’t ye know.  "Oh well better out than in", I soothingly murmured.
Oh it’s a cut throat business this life and where would you be without your friends.

More's the point where would one be without the wit and wisdom of the quotes I am clearly plundering from my  top hole office desk calendar.
One has been so used to listening to people as they talk at me, no offence, ABJ, that I’d forgotten the art of conversation. So I created this magnificent technique, a la W.S. Burroughs, where I cut the quotes from each page of the past three years desk calendars and place them in a ginormous envelope which I transport in my enormous ma’am darling Princess Royale handbag. Then when I’m stuck for words, at a party, a work meeting, or during idle chit chat in the work bathroom,  I discretely retrieve the envelope from handbag, shake it about then pull out a few of the paper slices of  quotes (yes it's  a lucky dip process), throw the phrases down, randomly, and instant whiz bang conversation. Admittedly controversial and rather philosphique but I found I get away with it by ponderously stroking my chin or nose  during the pause that often follows my statements. It’s a top technique (i.e the random retrieval of quotes on paper pieces)  why  it helped David Bowie compose the lyrics for the songs of his new LP. And boy am I looking forward to our Liebovitz portrait for the June  Vanity Fair.
Oh enough of my celebrity  tittle tattle, but I know it does impress you.

I'll get to the point of this post, tomorrow. I've run out of desk calendar quotes, you see.