Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Takin' stock

Oh I know, everyone does with the new year and whatnot, so hardly un titre originale. However I really wish the Woolworth chain would.
Oh really I do.

Why one Sunday in my recent past, I went to two of the Woolworth stores in search of the schweppervescence variety of tonic water - it’d been so hot in Sydders that I required a hefty gnt to slake my first of an evening, Mrs Wigley's Rose just wasn't cutting it. And do you know what, neither of those stores had my preferred brand of tonic in stock.
Oh blame it on Alan Belford Jones.

 Everyone does, as the parrot moaned to me towards the end of 2012. We were in our personal individual bespoke hot tubs at our favourite gastronomique health spa fat farm, hot blubber, sweatin’ off the xmas lbs.  “You’re a c765, ABJ, I retorted with my infamous nodule entangled thyroid cackle of a laugh , but a rich one. Remember to laugh as you grow fat for everyone else will”. I noticed at that point he appeared to fart with rage in  the spa, those tell tale bubbles, don’t ye know.  "Oh well better out than in", I soothingly murmured.
Oh it’s a cut throat business this life and where would you be without your friends.

More's the point where would one be without the wit and wisdom of the quotes I am clearly plundering from my  top hole office desk calendar.
One has been so used to listening to people as they talk at me, no offence, ABJ, that I’d forgotten the art of conversation. So I created this magnificent technique, a la W.S. Burroughs, where I cut the quotes from each page of the past three years desk calendars and place them in a ginormous envelope which I transport in my enormous ma’am darling Princess Royale handbag. Then when I’m stuck for words, at a party, a work meeting, or during idle chit chat in the work bathroom,  I discretely retrieve the envelope from handbag, shake it about then pull out a few of the paper slices of  quotes (yes it's  a lucky dip process), throw the phrases down, randomly, and instant whiz bang conversation. Admittedly controversial and rather philosphique but I found I get away with it by ponderously stroking my chin or nose  during the pause that often follows my statements. It’s a top technique (i.e the random retrieval of quotes on paper pieces)  why  it helped David Bowie compose the lyrics for the songs of his new LP. And boy am I looking forward to our Liebovitz portrait for the June  Vanity Fair.
Oh enough of my celebrity  tittle tattle, but I know it does impress you.

I'll get to the point of this post, tomorrow. I've run out of desk calendar quotes, you see. 

3 comments:

boy moritz said...

welcome back, mistress

David Nichols said...

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

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