Monday, 6 March 2006

Up, up and away, no TAA to be flohhhhhhhhhhn

I’ve bought me a ticket on an aeroplane, first time since the demise of TAA.

A mystery flight for Friday night. Oh yeah. Couldn’t get it with the Qantas* or the Jetstar line. Oh no. I have to ride on that mean machine, the line of the greedy groovy guru, the man who Mickey Jagger would really like to be, I’m flying Verjus, the allegedly non-elite (pronounced AYleeet as in Sydney Football Club ) airline.

The flight attendants on that line, why, they are so zany, cute and hip. And, those tan, red and white uniforms that the Verjus ragazze sport really look a treat. Kind of reminiscent of the day time ensemble worn by Liz Taylor as Maggie the Cat, but come to think of it their uniform features too much tan and not enough red, actually, don't quite hit the mark.

(cue for FANG)

And that about sums up Verjus Airline Incorporated, it doesn't quite hit the mark. It’s true, my dears. A couple of times I flew with ‘em, plane did a wheelie while landing, couldn’t quite hit that giant X on the runway. Poor lambs, and poor man beside me whose arm I grabbed as I shrieked. so yes, I guess I have flown since the TAA hey day, caught me out, again, howzat.

I feel so ill at ease while on board the Verjus, as those fun loving gals and guys (the Verjus flight attendants) strut down the aisleway selling nibbles, flirting with the passenger versions of themselves, ignoring my wequests for a blanket. Hey, it’s not because I feel left out, and long to be part of the cool group, no, of course not! Constable Care here worries, lord, how I worry, about their capacity to deal with an emergency when the plane descends into the sea or worse on land. Gordon, what a to do. They won’t be able to deal with it, I have no confidence in them. And then the Bossy Bertha within moi will have to break free from her seatbelt, so comfortably fastened over her girth, and take charge. She’ll push open those exit doors, blow up a few rafts, shove the people on ‘em, only to see all her good works foiled by some flight attendant’s sharp heel piercing the goddamn rubber raft, then aforementioned attendant will titter and pash a passenger. Accordingly, Bertha will push people aside, and lie chest to floor, spreading her arms wide, like a supine Winged Victory, passengers clambering onto her great broad back, as she slides down the ramp into the sea towards safety and far and away from the crazy "DJ" Verjus "rave".

So if you happen to be on the same Verjus flight as me, and we're in a an emergency "type of situation", apart from considering yourself incredibly llllucky that Bertha is about, be prepared to stumble an' sneeze and see the fur fly, cos it's gonna be a helluva fight gettin' on that flight from hell to safety.


*am glad now that i couldn't afford a flight with the villainous ass that is the Qant- what a crazy, nonsensical sacking frenzy.

2 comments:

tom said...

News Flash, Radio 702, 4pm, Thursday, March 9:
Girl taken into custody for attempting to open cabin door in mid air, during a Virgin flight from Brisbane to Sydney.
A student of Mistress Bel perhaps?

Mistress Bel said...

Lawks! Thank you, Tom. Or your garden variety full tilt spinner. Hard to distinguish really but all are welcome on the SS Bertha. Poor gel was probably trying to get away from that that incessant rave like atmosphere.