Monday, 7 August 2006

Lax times at the mansions

A curious wind of change has blown into the flat and caused a completely careless almost reckless version of the Mistress to appear and flagrantly disregard Health & Safety regulations at Tupper Mansions.

On Saturday night I had Johnny, Brook and Huey over for a special dinner and we had a very merry time. I whipped up some lovely dishes, the Margaret Fulton chocolate mousse was a particular highlight. Thanks for finding me that book L & M. At quarter to one my guests left, i remained on the couch enjoying a selection of my favourite hot vinyl, oh yes, I was ‘singing’ along too. Poor neighbours. I retired at ten to two and got up eight hours later to discover I’d left the heater on in the dining room ALL NIGHT LONG. Lord. Fortunately no incident but I felt kind of ill at ease and very annoyed with myself not to mention feeling a tad seedy from the margarita, the Champagne and the red wine.

I donned the hairshirt and tidied up, entertained my parents who had made a special guest appearance as they’d locked themselves out of their house and had to collect a spare set of keys from me, after a cuppa, some nougat and speculation about the origins of the term the Sweeney, yes, as in the John Thaw and Dennis Waterman masterpiece, then a dispute about my explanation, I farewelled the olds and retired to the sack to finish my comfort reading of the O’Sullivan Twins and start on Summer Term at St Clare’s.

At 8 p.m. I finished Summer Term at St Clare’s and was ready to fall asleep so I extended my arm somewhat awkwardly to switch off the bedside lamp and almost electrocuted myself!

You see my bedside table is one of those old ashtray stand tables and I had placed this lamp precariously atop the nook where an ashtray is supposed to go, and kept a glass of water on the table section underneath. For someone who is so cautious I cannot believe I persisted with this accident waiting to happen. I knocked the lamp off the table, with my tennis elbow afflicted arm , which in turn jolted the glass of water resulting in glass, water and lamp flying to the floor. The glass didn't break, the water did spill , the lamp went phht, and I was terrified.

I wasn’t sure whether the floor would be live. So I removed a sock from my foot, opposed to where? my schlong?, threw the sock onto the floor to check if it sizzled, it didn’t but really I couldn’t be sure so I reached over the end of my bed to scoop up the rubber sole house slippers. Fortunately, I had a torch and then went and turned the electricity off at the main and mopped up the mess.

I will never have a lamp and a glass of water near each other again. It probably wasn’t as bad as I think but I feel utterly freaked out. I still feel sick at the thought of it and my incredible stupidity.

What a fool.


David said...

If you'd been electrocuted the same time as a sock you might have exchanged molecules with the sock, too. An extra danger not many people think about.

Mistress Bel said...

Gracious. Fortunately the floor was not live.

David said...


Lady Jo said...

Club C without us???!!! Rag. what is the conductivity of a sock anyhoo?