Time for Bairdfordshire

Glory, I think it’s almost that time of year when all my pals from the television screen congregate to self-congratulate about the tripe that they’ve produced over the past year.

Yes, that glittering world class event is on very soon, the Logies. Anyway, this year my dahlings and luvvies from the plasma screen , you can count me out, I won’t be joining youse, youse can all rrrack off. Kind of aberrant from my usual cultured tones, eh, readers, forgive me. I was the understudy for Bobby in Home and Away during the 80’s and can still get down and get gritty when necessary, don’t ye know.

If you have detected a slightly sour, bitter, rancid tone to my touch typing, you are on the money, sugar, nothing gets past you does it, non sequitur risers, so please indulge the Mistress while she spills the beans on her latest petit score.

Nohhh, take that back, I don’t want to hear it anymore, culinary terms, that is. Lord am I one bitter almond. I still have not received one single offer after my brilliant pitch for a cookery show. You really wouldn’t credit it. My next stop will be the Pay Television, if Claudia Karvan can do it, well so can the Mistress, and failing that, well I guess I’ll be doing shows at the local shopping centre during the school holidays, otherwise it’ll be handing out tasty morsels, the preparation of which i will have just demonstrated "live", in the goddamn supermarket.

Oh the ignominy.

Another reason why I am boycotting the Logies, is that I am absolutely tired of being awarded the Logie for Personality of the Year for friggin’ South Australia!!! Ever since Anne Wills lost her mantle and my blitzing float entry at the Addles annual Christmas Pageant parade, the people of that State of mysteries, well that’s what is written on SA motor vehicle number plates, have been foisting the Personality of the Year award upon me!!

Admittedly the Logies look lovely in my study; I bought a nice display cabinet especially for it. However, I’m really tired of explaining to my visitors that I am neither from Adelaide nor anywhere in South Australia. It also rankles with me that my State of birth has not adopted me or festooned me with awards. NSW’s personality of the year award I guess will go to Bec Cartwright or Georgie Parker. Humph. The less said about those minxes and rivals for that mantle, the better!

Fortunately, the musical is coming along swimmingly. Even if Brian does seem to have deluded himself into believing that he is the next Hugh Jackman. I have every confidence that the musical will make Broadway, and I’m not referring to that shopping centre in central Sydney. Mind you that would be handy in between my supermarket cooking gigs. And you can bet your bottom dollar that in 2008 it’ll be me hosting the Tony Awards following the outstanding success of Before the Bubble Burst on Broadway. It had better be or it will be time for BettyFordshire.