I never thought that it would come to this

Lately, my ears and eyes have been playing tricks on me.

The whisperings on the radio, the announcements on the telly, the outrageous assault on my eyes as I enter a newsagent and peruse the magazine stands, all have rendered me in a confused state. At first my ears prick up, interest flickers in my glaucous eyes, my lips curl in a twist of mocking delight. Oh what was that that I heard, what have they done now, those lovably louche, obscenely rich rogues. Are they feuding again, has one of them lied, who are they rooting, and which one has died. Finger on the phone ready to furiously text, I walk to the stand and grab the magazine, upon which my eyes finally focus and read












Nic n Keith

NOT

MicknKeef.

The ears fold, the eyes glaze and the lips sink into the jowls.

Oh brother, it's old cold mountain herself, your Nicole Kidman, because sweetheart she ain't mine, and "legendary" "country" "pop" "man" Keith Urban. They are an item. Well cockadoodledoo and God bless the mounties. And it's Nic not even Nick. I guess if Nicole had been higher profile, (hmm, and that's some profile she's got), in the 80's she would have been called Nique, perhaps in the 70's Nik? When will people learn that the wacky wayze of spelling a first name does not an interesting person make.

I lament the calibre of who's hot right now. What a decline. From louche, scandalous and lined to botoxed, insipid and asinine. (sorry everything keeps rhyming, must be channelling Rod Stewart reading his rhyming dictionary.)

Still I must say I chuckle thinking of the confusion it's causing in Mick n Keef land. Mick pursing and twitching his lips, hands on hips, getting all whooftooty and snippety snoo thinking Keef has been talkin' to the press about 'im, Sir Mick. Owwwwww the cheek. (Mmmm, Mick appears to be channelling Eliza Dolittle).

Still you know we're all in for a real treat, when little Ronnie Wood hears about it, and several months later, finally over his confusion, is inspired to paint a magnificent portrait of Nic n Keith. Oh happy, happy, glorious days.